StemCell Therapy

The writers husband with their baby girl.Creditvia Jancee Dunn

When I was pregnant, my husband and I made a habit of fondly addressing my growing belly. As obsessive first-time parents, we had read the research that bonding with your baby is linked to everything from a more robust immune system to deeper infant sleep to better cognitive and emotional development. We reasoned that it couldnt hurt to start the process while she was still in the womb. As she grew bigger, I fancied that when I talked to her, she moved around more enthusiastically. Were communicating! Already, we have a mystical connection!

I longed to meet her. I counted the days.

As is so often the case, things didnt go as planned during delivery starting with the doctors discovery that the umbilical cord had snaked around the babys neck, requiring an emergency C-section.

[Read our guide on what to expect from a Cesarean section.]

I wasnt at all prepared for the intensity of the operation the tugging, the cutting, the jets of blood onto the protective sheet. In a daze, I heard my daughter cry for the first time.

A smiling nurse materialized. Do you want to hold her? she asked.

I blinked at her. Not really, I thought. My adrenaline was surging. The brightly lit operating room was jammed with people. My body was shaking uncontrollably (a common occurrence, although researchers dont yet know the precise cause).

All I wanted to do was lurch off the operating table and hide somewhere.

I cant do it, I croaked.

The nurse nodded, and put Sylvie into the eager arms of Tom, who fell swooningly in love.

As I recovered in the hospital and then returned home, I expected that at any minute, my maternal feelings would flow, and wed resemble the enraptured moms and babies I saw in diaper cream ads.

Instead, for the first few weeks, I felt the same fuzzy disconnect as I held and fed her. When I brought this up with our pediatrician, she ran through the symptoms of postpartum depression constant crying, feelings of dark dread and hopelessness that impede your ability to care for the baby and determined I didnt have it. Still, I felt steeped in shame and guilt.

[How to recognize and seek treatment for postpartum depression]

Its time for moms to let that go, said Dr. Susan Lareau, M.D., assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Magee-Womens Hospital at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Some people feel an amazing, instant connection, and some think, Huh, theres a baby, she said. And thats O.K., too. We see this a lot in the hospital. Many women just need the first few hours, or days, to recover, be it a C-section or a difficult vaginal delivery. Theyre too tired to think of anything other than I want to go to sleep.

However one arrives at parenthood, from adoption to surrogacy, those feelings are normal, said Dr. Alexandra Sacks, M.D., a New York City reproductive psychiatrist. The process of becoming a mother, she said, is profound and exhilarating and triggering and a million different things that are nuanced for people.

A small but notable 2014 study published in the journal BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth revealed that distress states among new mothers feelings of detachment and the shock of the new were less severe than postpartum depression but were nonetheless difficult. In a 2018 meta-analysis, Norwegian researchers found it was common for mothers to have a gap between expectations and reality, and the sense of detachment from the child, and ensuing guilt and shame.

But the societal pressure to instantly adore your offspring is intense. Dr. Sacks ticked off a few factors that shaped my delivery room experience, among them how you relate to pain, how you relate to attachment and beginning relationships, how you experience feeling out of control, how you experience something youve never done before. Its incredibly personal.

Dr. Sacks frequently refers to the concept of matrescence, a term coined by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 70s to describe the seismic shift a woman undergoes from womanhood to motherhood. Its body, mind and hormonal, with all these subcategories like sociocultural, financial, interpersonal, she said.

Katie Shea, a 32-year-old venture capitalist in Manhattan, felt this transition acutely when she had her first baby in January and didnt experience an immediate connection. I just felt very disconnected from my old me, and like I was mourning a really fun chapter of my old life, she said. My husband and I were coming from this awesome, newly married independence where we would meet each other for a drink after work to managing a new chapter in our lives that was very tactical and regimented. I felt like I was in the same room with my husband, missing my husband.

It didnt help matters that Shea was being bombarded with texts and calls from well-meaning friends, saying, Isnt this the happiest youve ever been? Theres nothing that compares to this type of love! Shea wasnt there yet: I was like, I guess, she said.

Elle Wang, 33, a partnership adviser at the United Nations in New York who lives in Long Island City, Queens, was surprised by her adjustment period when her son George was born in March, five weeks early.

Not only were she and her husband physically separated from their son in the newborn intensive care unit, which caused her tremendous anxiety, but she felt emotionally unprepared for the suddenness of his arrival.

Everything happened so quickly that I was thrown into this role immediately, said Wang, who was on maternity leave when we spoke. And it took me quite a few days to kind of come to my senses and think, This is my baby. You think its going to be this magical thing, but I think it takes people longer to really connect to the level that movies and TV shows actually project. Its not often immediate, but people dont want to admit that.

Meredith F. Small, Ph.D., a professor of anthropology at Cornell University, said that bonding is not instantaneous, but a process. Most women have a long labor, and theyre exhausted and overwhelmed, she said.

Attachment takes time, Dr. Small said, and there are many parents who do it much more slowly. You know, we believe in love at first sight but thats between two adults, and that doesnt happen very often. Attraction happens instantly, but real, deep, connected, forever love in an instant? Extraordinarily rare, she said with a laugh. And human infants are not necessarily very attractive when theyre first born.

Dr. Small added that deeper parental instincts are still at work. Chances are that the evolutionary push to protect that baby would still be there, she said. Even if you dont feel that close and youre wondering, Why is this baby here? if someone came in and tried to hurt that baby, youd have a different response.

During those first few weeks, on the advice of my pediatrician, I made skin-to-skin contact with my baby as often as possible, and I constantly carried her close to me in a sling. I gave Sylvie massages on the recommendation of a neonatal nurse, which several studies show can strengthen your connection.

Finally, while feeding her one morning, a feeling of warmth so intense it almost knocked me over engulfed me as we gazed into each others eyes.

Shea had a similar experience. A newborn might not seem to recognize us immediately, but when her daughter Lillie started smiling at four weeks, that feedback loop, that reciprocation, was my total light switch moment when I fell in love, she said.

Wang said connection wasnt instantaneous for the whole family. It took me some time. It took my husband some time. It took the baby himself some time! The baby needs a moment, too. And I think if we have an honest conversation about it, it can save some people heartache.

So, ditch the guilt. A heartening new Lehigh University study found that when caregivers respond to their babys need for attention, they need only to get it right half the time to provide a secure base for baby. As study author Susan S. Woodhouse, an infant researcher, put it, You dont have to be perfect, you just have to be good enough.

Theres no lost time, said Dr. Sacks. Those first few moments, or days, are not paramount in your relationship with your child. Your relationship is about a much larger story than a few days.

Jancee Dunn is the author of How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids.

See the article here:
I Didn't Bond With My Baby Right Away - NYT Parenting

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